Newfound friends – it is never too late!

Hi God

Imagine if I was one of those modern bhakts and chose to call You Bhaggu, Gannu bhaiya or any other friendly(!) name. Thank fully I am somewhere in the middle of modernity and tradition. So, for now I call You God.

I have a big hug and a giant thankyou to offer today. For I made some new friends. I know that old friends and old wine are classic but these new friends seem to be long lost sisters to me. They are young, vivacious and so positive in their approach towards everything. With their infectious energy and zeal for life, they soldier on the path of life. Their positivity and love for life is so inspiring.

Thank You God for sending these two angels to me. I Thank You for giving them to me at a time when I needed them so much. We don’t really meet that often and are yet to do things together. But it feels great to get friendly faces in the crowd in gatherings – social or otherwise. We hit it off from the days we just met. These two are the perfect shining example of modern women. Educated, free yet shouldering their responsibilities with ease and style…all with a shining smile on their faces. Their optimism and positivity is infectious to say the least. Complete with a devil may care attitude.

Our company is big on women empowerment these days. With so many new initiatives going on to promote Nari shakti this one was a very welcome side effect. If not for these endeavors I would have failed to know these wonderful people.

About women in our industry, people will always be skeptical of our abilities but we know how to handle them. I love the way we come together and create something so beautiful.

Thank You!

Soldier on….!

Soldier on….!

Dear God

अपनी मर्ज़ी से कहाँ अपने सफर के हम हैं, रुख़ हवाओं का जिधर का है ऊधर के हम हैं

चलते रहते हैं कि चलना है मुसाफिर का नसीब, सोचते रहते हैं किस रहगुज़र के हम हैं

I take my words back. I had the most amazing birthday ever, well spent with my dearest friend. Seeing her kid made me wonder once again…am I ever going to have a kid of my own? Don’t know but what I do know is my kid is going to have challenges of her own. No, they would not be limited to which candy or what games to play? His/her struggle will be survival. I am scared of the world that I live in now.

With the recent events of country wide horrifying incidents of rape and killings, I am scared to think of the world my next generation will face. Preparing them for this battle is so much more than telling them ‘Good touch, bad touch.’ No measure seems enough!

Moving on, my crisis seems averted now. Thank You! Literally I have only You to thank. You in the form of my parents, siblings and well wishers whose untiring efforts have made me reach this far.

God change is inevitable in life. I thank You for the strength to accept come what may with open arms and an open mind.

It is hard to accept the recent setbacks I encountered but given time and space, anything is possible. Just like challenging the stereotypes I come across on a daily basis. I am lucky to see the changing face of my industry when it comes to women empowerment and gender equality. We still have a long way to go! Some voices are being heard but others still wait.

I pray to You to make those voices speak up and make people listen. Let the world be more open, more accepting and accommodating to women – working or otherwise.

For a few more years or eternity….

Dear God

तुम नया जख्म लगाओ तुम्हें इससे क्या है

भरने वाले हैं अभी जख्म पुराने कितने

I am so angry with You today, yes You… As the birthday week approaches, people look forward to gifts, surprises and get-togethers. Me? I am looking forward to the some more brutality and pain. Yes pain!

I asked for one day, just one when someone takes care of me. I just wanted to smile on my birthday. This is what You planned for me? This is worse than solitary confinement, God. What have I done wrong? Self-dependence and a caring relationship with my loved ones. That is all I wanted in life. Everyone asks me to focus on what I have instead of what I lost. But then today of all days, I just can’t do that. I am missing out on the opportunity of having a normal day, let alone a wonderful one.

Why did You have to do this to me? Tell me. Show me the way. Help me walk. Guide me to the right path. God please. Your silence is killing me!! If I am a bad person then You shouldn’t have let me lose in the world. I am damaging everything.

You knew how shattered I was. I needed to heal and You keep on inflicting fresh wounds. Give me a chance to heal God. Please.

If I say anything to him, pat comes the reply “I will leave you if you want.” If I say anything to my family, they just dig the skeletons in my closet and let them loose for the world to see. If I say anything to my friends…By the way you call these backstabbers my friends…really?

Why do You have to be like this to me? I remember my childhood days when I used to repeatedly ask You ‘Have you created anyone who loves me? Have You created one, just one person who cares?’ I have not received any answers so far. I may sound like an ungrateful person God. But the truth is the glass is half full and I am thirsty.

I need to survive this God. I have to keep the hopes and the faith of all single women alive. But right now I really want to throw in the towel and give up. I am so done!!

Walk Alone V

Dear God

Sample this:

Bhagwan tumhein aaina zarur dikhayega. Tumhara kiya tumhare aage zarur aayega. Tumhare karmon ka fal hai tumhari zindagi. Kisi aur se khud ki tulna karne se pahle soch lo. Wo jo hai tum kabhi nahi ho sakti. Tumhare andar koi atm samman nahin hai. Warna us ladki ke pas tum jati hi kyu jisse tumne har rishta khatm kar diya. 

Hmm…So extending the olive branch to her was a huge mistake. I shouldn’t have done that no matter what her condition was. I am such a fool. Hai na? I knew even at that time that I was committing the biggest possible mistake in my life. Now when he says all this, I am simply reminded of my own prophetic words at that time. Aap hi mujhe bhej rahe hain aur kal ko aap hi kahenge ki main us ke aage jhuk gayi hun. Uski position aur power se dar gayi hun.  

God I am so pissed off with your world right now. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. But as I said earlier “I ain’t no quitter!” So I decided that I will do it all. I will fight this feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I will keep my head high in the midst of all the accusations. I will cut further off from the world – your world and your society.

Mum was here recently and I just marvelled at the level of communication we share. She was open, honest and understanding. I recall my early childhood and wonder why I could not have this same understanding in all those years…maybe because I was not an adult then. Or maybe because she knew she had some influence on me back then. We all dream of our children to be independent in life. But when we execute our independence, parents have a hard time accepting our opinions, decisions and judgement.

Fast forward to yesterday, a day well spent in the company of my one and only. I love the way I struggled to accomplish one of our common targets. I failed but nevertheless I tried. Going down without a fight is something I never wanted. Thankyou for giving me this opportunity to redeem myself.

He was the one lecturing me about self-respect and dignity. Now he is the one who is compromising with his pride, dignity, self-respect and worth for achieving success. The means never justify the ends God. No, they don’t!!

Thankyou for whatever I achieved in life, I achieved out of luck, hard work, dedication and vision. Thank You that I was always on the right path. Thank You for always keeping me safe.

Love him the way You loved me all these years, protect him the way You protected and sheltered me. Keep him safe and sound God. Even if he choses to go astray, lead him back to the right path.

PS: Let him know I am always there.

An open letter to the gossip mongrels aka Priti

Dear God

Sample this:

It is a Tuesday and I was with You for my bi-weekly penance. As I finished the day bestowed with Your bliss and filled with Your blessings, I get this “Bahr halla hai ki tumhara affair hai office me tumhare. Aur tumhari shadi hone wali hai.” This coming from none other than the one – The One God! My one and only…

When I said it was not true he was ready with the shocker of my life. Priti said it so it has to be true. Priti…His friend from the market. Imagine my shock and horror that one random person from the outside was saying random supposedly harmless gossip about me and he chose to believe it. The one person who should have been my unconditional support and defend says ‘kuchh na kuchh to hoga hi, aise kaise usne bol diya. Usne kaha hai to sach hi hoga.’

So now dearest Priti a few words for you and to all the happily married girls out there. Just because I look alone to you does not mean I am characterless and unprincipled. I have a reason for not being married and it is personal. I may be willing to share the reason with people if and when I am ready to. Till then please just keep your speculations to yourself. You have no idea how a few random words from your mouth have harmed my reputation and image.

If you had seen or paid attention to me, you would never say those words. Did you notice I am always alone when out? Do you know anything about my non-existent social life? Did you notice how I steadily and vehemently refuse any offer to help? Did you notice on the day of Dhanteras I was walking all by myself laiden with all the stuff I bought. If in fact, I was in a relationship wouldn’t he/ she at least offer me a ride?

You know nothing about my life and yet you said those painful things. You have no idea about the impact of your words. You haven’t even met me face to face…like ever. How could you just throw me to the dogs without feeling the pain for my tearing skin and broken bones.

Here I was happy in my own cocoon. I used to think if I am faithful to my cause and true to my self no harm can come to me. But people like you destroy me with just a few words.

Parting shots: I have no one in my life like that. I am unlikely to get married sooner or later. Think of a harmless innocent person whose reputation you are damaging before you indulge in baseless rumor and gossip. I have never crossed your path or wronged you in any way. So please keep your opinion about me to yourself or else if you dare, say it to my face.

In a man's world

Dear God

Gender discrimination is a slow poison and a silent killer too! These days when I am single-handedly conducting some programs and have been a part of so many new initiatives, the fingers which were raised in doubts about my ability now point towards my faults at the way I fulfill my official commitments. People who voiced their opinions about how I am just not good enough have now started saying I am ‘too good to be true.’ May be God!

I am enjoying this phase when I confront my fear of failures and try not to burden others with sharing my responsibilities. I am alone and I need no one to support my initiatives. Yes, this success is all mine and whatever small failures and setbacks I encounter are also mine.  

I have been accused of being a ‘one-person army’ quite a few times in the past too. I have tried to involve people but somehow failed to show that I truly need them to execute things. Actually, I don’t! My vision is clear and involving others simply dilutes it. I work best when I am all by myself. Now when once again my light has started shining bright, people blinded by my success have started  accusing me of being autocratic. 

When I take a look around myself, I find everyone is performing their own respective jobs without consulting anyone apart from the seniors. I do the same. People have started pointing out ‘Look there is a person doing full justice to the responsibilities given. Oh wait, she is a woman. Now how did this happen? Why doesn’t she ask someone for help? Why doesn’t she collapse from the workload? Why doesn’t she ever complaint about the number of hours she is putting in?

She won’t!

I tell you she is the toughest of the lot. So good luck to you guys for attempting to bring her down. It won’t work though. It was never meant to.

The only thing that worked towards my failure is my relationship. Rock and rolls all the way, it has now started on the decline phase. A phase where he hates my guts. When he insists on keeping it professional and distant. A phase where the light shines anew on all my vices. That is my only failure.

Even then I am the toughest nut to crack.

Rejected Piece

Dear God

I have no words to express what I am feeling today. I am dejected, forlorn and feeling kind of ‘not good enough’. ‘Not good enough’ is a phrase which keeps cropping up in my life time and again. Today this term was sprung upon me when we were discussing the possibilities of me being taken advantage of/ any possibility of men trying to make unwelcome advances. What he said should have come as a relief. But it came as a shocker instead. He said ‘There is hardly any possibility of you being treated that way. You just don’t look good enough.’

Not good enough – has been paying in my mind like a loop since that time. In this alarming time when women well into their 90s or children as young as 3 months are not being spared – he said these words to me. So now I can truly feel free. I can go out on the street in the middle of the night without any fear because in his opinion – I am not good enough. I can work late and I can leave the door of my home unlocked throughout the night. For no one would bother to touch me. I am just not good enough.

For some reason I am reminded of the leering gestures I have avoided throughout my life and all the advances I thwarted. Suddenly they seem like wishful thinking on my part. For in his opinion, I am just not good enough!

God!!

Now I feel the way victims of sexual assault must do. They must have thought “Who would believe my story?” Like who would believe that a person like me has been in a relationship? Or that a person like me could somehow secure a loving and caring partner for I am just ‘not good enough’. Is that why I have avoided meeting prospects for an arranged marriage? For I knew I am liable to get rejected on account of being ‘not good enough’?

I went on stage yesterday. In fact. I go up on stage very frequently. I love anchoring, hosting and public speaking. Should I just refrain from doing that now? For I am not a pretty face. I have a zit right in the middle of it. I have tanning, body hair and a repulsive figure. How dare I take centre stage? I am just not good enough!!

The world as I should not see it!

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Life is a series of missed chances, lost opportunities and broken, incomplete goodbyes. People always keep moving on in my life. What do I do, God? How do I bring myself out of this loop? Am I really not worthy of love? Tell me, God? When am I going to find peace in your world? Or do I have to leave it? There are a lot of questions and I can’t find any answers. Here I was looking forward to a reunion and that reunion has now become an illusion.

I miss him, God. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. Can you make it happen? Please! I have no words to express my feelings now. I just have none left. Except for this deafening roar of pain. The pain never leaves me. I am hurt God and I don’t know what to do.

My job was supposed to give me solace, identity and shelter. It did but it brought so many bad experiences with it too. I have mixed feelings about it now. On one hand I am a self-sufficient individual who has earned her own place in the world and carved out her own identity. But on the other, I am a restless soul.

Was this the sort of emptiness my parents talk about? It is not. I just don’t want any random person. My longing has a name. My dreams are focused on one person and they have a face. I am incomplete but only one person can fill that void. Otherwise no matter how many people come and go, I am all alone. God please!

There is no greater agony than loving someone who does not love you back equally. It hurts so much God and now I am tired. Every day I spend without him is killing me. But he remains aloof. Deep down, I know he is on the right path. For I am wrong for him. Born at the wrong time in the wrong place, how can I be right for someone?

I strive hard to make sense of my life. I don’t know when I will be able to. One tiny step at a time I take. God please help me out. Please. I need one, just one tiny relief. Wherever we are, wherever life takes us let us belong. Please God.

The dark knight rises* - Battling Depression.

तुम इतना जो मुस्कुरा रही हो, क्या ग़म है जिसको छुपा रही हो

बन जाएंगे जहर पीते पीते, ये अश्क जो पीती जा रही हो

Dear God 

Picture This:  

You are all by yourself and have turned in for the night. One chance remark from someone you love and you start crying inconsolably. Damn that raw nerve! The routine phone call home is already done. No more phone calls to look forward to. No one is supposed to check on you in the dead of the night. No one is possibly aware of what is going on. You cry your eyes out at what was said, how it was said, why me and so on… In short, total chaos.

When I step out of my home, sweet home no one knows what I am going through. No one knows this person with a constant smile on her face has literally cried her eyes out the night before. No one knows the person who maintains a calm demeanor in all kind of situations is so restless within. No one knows the struggle of getting out there in the world and battling it out. When all you want to do is throw in the towel and lie low.

Believe me, I would give an arm and a foot to just block it all out. But that is not how I was raised. That is not what I was taught to do. That is not what I choose to do. I chose this life; I chose my war and I chose my battles. Win or lose, all I can do right now is fight. With the last ounce of my strength no matter how hard it is!

I keep telling me to take one, just one step farther. I know that just like the happy times, this time will also not last, it will soon be overshadowed with love, achievements, fresh commitments, new assignments or maybe newfound courage. Courage brought me this far. It is just a few more steps out of this hellhole. I have been through worse and always managed to overcome it.

This too shall pass. To all the brave people out there, here. I hold my own hand and walk when there is no one to support me. Hold your own hand and walk. You will be out of the dark soon. Believe me, there is hope, there is always hope. Even if there is not one in sight yet. Also please don’t try to not cry. Just let it go. The worst thing you can do to yourself is forcing yourself to stay positive.

If you are sad, you do have a reason for being sad. There is no need to force yourself to be happy. Don’t invalidate your hurt, sadness, anger and loneliness. First just flush out all the sadness by doing whatever you can. Binge on your favorite dishes, cry, break things, shout, grieve, listen to the saddest possible songs and cry your eyes out. It is important to empty your heart of all the negativity before positive ones can seep in. Make place for it by drawing the sadness out. Don’t hold it in, please.

*The dark knight rises is a Batman Series Movie title.

Walk Alone IV

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Separations are difficult, to say the least. This transition is the most difficult one I have ever come across. God, I have travelled far and wide in search of love and I am yet to find it. I have a desire to meet you now, my Maker. But I know my time on your earth is not up yet. I have a really long life ahead of me. I have to go through the motions just like everyone else. God, I am not sure of the path from this moment onwards. I have complete faith in You and with that faith I will take one step at a time. What happened yesterday was unexpected but I know You may have a plan in place for me. I don’t know if my loveless life and overbearing personality was a part of Your plan all along. But I am sure of one thing now. No one knows me in and out. People have made some pretty wild guesses but no one comes close.

God, courage is all I pray for. Courage to accept the challenges You have thrown my way. Courage to be peaceful in times of this turmoil. Courage to face my life alone, unaccompanied. Now people have been jumping with the idea of marriage left, right and centre. You know I lost my faith in that institution a long time back. When I see marriages being fixed like business deals, I simply can’t believe the idea of soulmates being joined in an unbreakable bond. Breach of contract seems more important than breach of faith here. How can a bond so sweet be based on superficial things like money, gifts and background? Personality traits and story of life is still missing from the bio-data in marriages.

Everyone around me looks for a more profitable deal and I am one of the lost causes. Too enlightened, too outspoken, too independent and too overpowering. I promise to You I am not one to wallow in self-pity. Pity is one thing I do not seek. I will continue to be as merciless as possible with me. Trusting with abandon is one of my many vices.

Thank You for this opportunity to flex my strength. Love You God.

As your love remains unchanged

Dear God

Sample this:

You don’t deserve this position you are in. I wonder how you became an officer! You are here only because of reservation; you have no talent.’

Thank you for saving me from the car crash. Yet again my baby is suffering due to over-speeding, reckless morons who have literally no value of human life. It was a horrible experience to say the least. But thankfully by Your Grace I escaped unhurt. How I wish I was sheltered from my life the same way. Whatever happened I would be safe in my own little zone. But no such luck!

We are on speaking terms now. Huge relief! But the unfinished business lingers on. The blame has been placed once again on me. All set to make me feel like an awful person, he says and does things which make me feel unworthy of love. According to him I am an incompetent and lousy person. Or so he says. But somehow my heart refuses to believe his renditions of my incompetence. I see myself all day. Fighting his fights, running his errands, accommodating last moment changes. All this while doing full justice to a job of my own.

I so wish he was aware of the impact of his cutting remarks on me. Maybe he does and that is why he is all set to kill my self-respect. But my resilience refuses to back down. It is a losing battle though. Every single day my little inner voice tells me I did my best and every single day he rats out my shortcomings.

Do I lack conviction God? Do I really lack vision? Effort perhaps? Do I? DO I, GOD???

Every day I set out to seek these answers and every single day I fail to get them. I AM A FAILURE…keeps ringing in my mind. His tenderness took my breath away the other day. His cruelty pierces my heart now. Hard to keep up with the kind and extent of humiliation he subjects me to. Is it really my fault God? You tell me. Am I really the filth he calls me? I really hate the way he says ‘Sab tumhari tarah nahin hote.’

I feel abandoned just like in the past. But nothing new. I was always destined to be alone…I wonder why I even tried. Being the difficult person I am. What happens in my life doesn’t come as a surprise. Let Him go, God and give me the courage to move on. Please.

Solitary Confinement

Dear God

निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन

बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले।

Sample this:

The sound of shattered glass filled the silent night and to my utter horror I saw the window glass of his car break into pieces. No one would believe that what happened was unintentional. I just threw something without caring for where it was landing. It unfortunately landed inside his car and I had to ask him to retrieve it. Needless to say; he was furious. He still is.

But you know what? He deserved it.

I don’t know if this is the last straw. I don’t know if we can overcome this ever. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. I don’t know if I we would ever be able to forgive each other. All I know is we have once again drifted apart.

Everything which happened last night is still afresh in my mind. The day was after all extraordinary! In a surprise move of solidarity, I decided to extend the olive branch to my archenemy. I just thought of the long and difficult time I had to spend alone and decided she need not do the same. All was well till the time I decided to honor her invitation and go to her home in the evening. Big mistake!!

I went in good faith and I have come back with a wound so deep, it will never heal. I will never forget the humiliation meted out to me and the way things turned out. I went to show some support and assure her that she is never alone in her struggles. But what I got in return is unexpected and unimaginable cruelty.

I would have silently endured the derogatory and humiliating treatment meted out to me. I would have walked out quietly and once again shed some silent tears in the privacy of my house. Instead I ended up confronting the person in question. My defiance had surfaced, I refused to be treated like this for no fault of mine.

For the first time in my life, I said a loud and clear “No” to something. I raised my voice and had talked back. I fought tooth and nail against the shabby treatment I was being subjected to. I was hurting like hell on the inside and then this happened. I know she enjoyed the show! 

PS: So much for friendship, eh. I was better off alone.

So much for chivalry!

Dear God

Sample this:

A group of us were recently returning from a short official trip and my house was the farthest. The one who got off last simply asked me to drive to my home and let him know once I reached. Neat arrangement? God, everything was ok with this arrangement except for the fact that it was 2:30 in the night.

As I dropped him home and started braving my journey home, I was having mixed feelings. On one hand I was well aware of the fact that he had driven for more than 200 kms. and was now visibly tired to continue further. On the other, the prospect of hitting the streets alone in the dead of the night for the first time was haunting me. I am a liberated, free thinking person and believe firmly in gender equality. Yet when I chose to drive those last few kms. at that hour, my hands were shaking and prayers were constantly coming out of my lips.

I was really expecting him to call me back and insist to accompany me home. Yet I was feeling bad for him as he would have to double back home when he had already exerted so much. With these mixed feelings I drove on and by Your Grace I reached home. 

I am still confused about whether he did the right thing. He later offered to accompany me on my ride back home but I did not have the heart to say yes. The next time when I confronted him, he said he was only kidding when he asked me to drive home. The joke was on me though. Free thinking women like me are fools God. I risked my life and safety that day.  

To this day I can’t forgive myself for being so stupid. At the same time, I can’t help thinking the men in and around our lives deserve a break. However, with all these issues about women’s safety, I could not help but think “If it was his sister or mother in my place, would he let them do what I did for him?” I already know the answer God. Just because I was not a family member, my security was not a concern for him. One thing is clear in all this dilemma. I have no one but myself to depend and lean on in times of need.

PS: Welcome to Club Expendables…

Truth and Dare

Dear God

Sample this:

‘What happened today still has me reeling from shock. As if those days have returned when he used to threaten me. Today he has delivered someone else’s threat. It is needless to say it’s hers. Gosh the audacity of this woman!’

OK God, confrontation is what they want then confrontation it is! I am in a war zone now and there is no turning back. That was what I was thinking few days back. But that day did not come. For she chose to diffuse the situation by her usual cunning. The confrontation I was waiting for never came.

How I wish someone asked me to clarify the facts instead of weaving tall tales about me! But I don’t think it is going to happen in this lifetime.

I had a tough few months, God. Just when I was able to realign my focus this had to happen. It is all up to me now. I have to prove my mettle in the tasks at hand and just stay out of the clutches of official-looking yet personal in nature outbursts and confrontations.

By the way, the way You chose to teach me the ways of Your world is slightly weird, don’t You think? Why don’t You keep me on a straight no-nonsense path of professional and personal isolation? You have to put me in the line of fire always! Believe me God I would do anything to stay out of the limelight. 

Yet here I am.

They say You chose Your strongest children to endure Your most difficult tests. But frankly, the endurance grid You chose for me is wearing me out now. For once in my life, I want to be ordinary and weak. I have been tried for too long, God. Cut me some slack, please.

PS: I leave it all to You, God. Expose her.

The fair weather friend

Dear God

Sample this:

‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You are an intensely negative person and you are gradually driving me away from you with your behavior.’

Once again I am to take the blame for a broken relationship. Fair enough, God. I was the one doing all the efforts anyways. The plans, the outings, the dates; the special celebrations everything was chalked out by me. Why not the blame of it not working anymore?

I was such a happy person God. Was I? Really? Nah…I was never a happy person. I felt this constant battle with bad thoughts in my heart and mind and it is a losing battle. I am drowning in this depression thing since I was a child and these days I feel like sinking. I am sinking God and I can’t do anything to stop it. He was my last hope which is now gone for good.

There is hardly any difference between me and a used tissue. I feel the same: filthy, torn and crumpled. God, people who battle depression are really brave. They have an enemy they can’t see. There are times when I wake up with an upbeat mood, do things which are rejuvenating and fun. Then there are days when even getting out of bed takes a lot of effort.

There is sound sleep sometimes and sleepless days I between. I have my writing as a solace and every day I put my words out there hoping they would reach the right person. This social experiment that he chose to do has failed miserably and now he blames me. I accept as usual. The fault is mine. Unless and until I climb out of this hole I will never be able to see the light. Meanwhile, he chose to be with people who are happy and fun to be with. After all, everyone has a right to be happy in life; except me.

He brought me the trap of unconditional love. What the hell does that even mean God? Unconditional love! I’ll tell you what it means? Unconditional love is a rat race. It is a sadistic masochistic phenomenon where you accept the pain of abuse, torture and humiliation all in the name of love. Also cheating, dating others right in front of your very eyes and never accepting your relationship in public. Love has done all this damage in my life all these years. What next?

‘I am leaving you’ has wrecked enough havoc in my life. I wait for the day when even this provocation will stop working. I am waiting for the day when I can say the same to you. I long for one day God when he will understand how and why he has wrecked me. Give him this realization God that he was wrong in coming into a troubled person’s life. Even more wrong when he is choosing to abandon me in my most difficult days. Like everything else, this too shall pass.  I have been through so much then why not one more. I am anyways broken beyond repair. How much more damage can something do?

Rear Them Right!

Dear God

Picture this:

Beta flying kiss do aunty ko.

In a birthday party of about 50 people, the proud mother was asking her child to demonstrate the ‘flying kiss’ which she found cute! Let me be frank with You, there was nothing cute about it. It is intrusive to say the best. Not to mention it puts unnecessary pressure on the child. Your child is not a toy guys. Occasionally showcasing their talent in appropriate platforms is OK but forcing them to express affection to people they hardly know is downright improper. With so many child molesters lurking around, the least we can do is not encourage behavior the child fails to understand.

Having said this, I was reminded of the various talent shows and the children gyrating to songs like Jalebi Bai or Chikni Chameli. These ‘mini adults’ and their patrons fail to realize they are just children. Even after the age of 18, we were forbidden to behave in a certain way. These children are doing so much at such tender age. Not to mention the long rehearsals and the kind of hard work they have to do. Studies and a sense of normalcy have taken a back seat. Having achieved a celebrity status, it will be really hard for these children to go back to their normal lives.

We cannot deny that giving a platform to under-privileged or differently-abled children is a good way to uplift their moral as well as upgrade their socio-economic status. But for the sake of a few talented children, we are forcing those with normal abilities to push themselves.  If we are subjecting our children to this public eye, we should also back them up with the notion that ‘They don’t have to be super children for us to appreciate them. A normal, healthy, well mannered kid is equally important for us as a talented one.’ A whole life lies ahead of them to join the rat race. Why the rush? Why the urgency? Why the pressure? Let us just let them be. For me as a mother, I would be happy for my child playing with his/her friends in the park. Rather than see them pushing their limits in the spotlight.

Go, went, gone...

Dear God

He is still in the clutches of that woman and unlikely to be free of it anytime soon. It’s up to me now to either chuck everything and move on with my life. Or be the Meena Kumari and say ‘Wo bhatak gaye hain par ek din zarur wapas aayenge. Mujhe vishwas hai.’ What kind of world have You created God? There is nothing here for honest and transparent people. Today he took away my responsibilities and said ‘You have done nothing so far. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to anytime soon.’ My brainchild is in the hands of someone else now. I tried convincing him not to but in vain. He wants results!

I tried to convince him that this is an automated system. You are not going to get results in here without constantly learning and improving it as we go along. But Mr. Clouded judgement of the year (!) renders me incapable of doing this. What to do God? I handed it over like it was nothing. But my heart is broken at the way he has expended me at the drop of a hat. I never asked anything of him.

Our relationship is at an all time low. I don’t know how, when and if we will be able to recover. I have always been the one to take the blame. But now I forgive myself for being the way I am. This is how I was always supposed to be – alone. I dared try different things and believed a different future. Sorry God. Just for some human interaction I have destroyed myself. All these years I believed the fault is all mine. But now I choose to love myself. I promise You God, from this moment onwards I will stop believing the shit your world pukes about me.

All my life I have tried to change for people who abandoned me anyways. So now, I will stop changing for my sake. I will remain what I am now – love me or leave me. You are going to leave anyways so there is no point. Screw positive thinking. Bring on the dreariness. I am willing to welcome my darkest side with open arms now. Trying my hands at the ‘Being positive’ Shit never works anyways.

Save the people who will confront me now.

Miles to go...

Dear God,

A chance meeting with a schoolmate and so many things came rushing back. My school…that one place, which carved my future, made me what I am now. I was such a shy kid and now look at me. Henceforth proven; People change, as I did. From not being able to speak two sentences straight, I have come to the point where I have started addressing crowds at random. I was the shy back bencher all through my school life and now here I am. Facing life head on has taught me one thing very clearly. It is a man’s world and women rule!!

I don’t actually remember the transition but I do remember my determination to face all my demons head on. I have this favourite saying of sorts “If you are afraid of the roller coaster, by all means ride it.” Now, when I look back at the roller coasters I rode, I feel dizzy and exhilarated. Wow!

All these big and small successes and failures are any person’s strongest assets. I remember reading in Laws of Love by Chris Prentiss  ‘Learnings never happened on regular days.  It happens only when you encounter challenging situations.’ My biggest challenge so far has been to love myself. I hate my guts! Inspite of everything, my smile never wavers. My spirit is crushed but with an unlimited ability to resurrect itself.

My sister used to call me ‘The Moral Science Book.’ Overrated, if I may say so myself. I am no such thing but my sense of right and wrong does keep working overtime! Ironically my list of ‘Do’s and Don’ts is for I, me, myself only. Being assertive is a trait I could never master. With my kind of intelligence and compassion, a certain level of detachment is also much needed God. Otherwise a person like me can get completely lost in others’ needs and wants. This distance from the world is a blessing in disguise. Thank You God! For this life and everything that came with it. I love You for bestowing me with such an enriched experience.

PS: Send me some love too! Please!

The Road Sense

Dear God

Indicator given, horn briefly honked and turning right....Dchhaakkk! Someone makes a sharp turn right at the point where I am turning my vehicle and I hit the brakes hard. Kya karu? All the Surdas’s of the world seem to reside here only. Am I right or am I right, God? There is no charm in following the rules here God. Everybody is just a manmauji interested in whirling their darling machines left, right and center. Accelerators are meant to be twisted hard. No one cares if you are on the right path following the traffic rules to the T. You will still get the dirty looks when you drive.

So much has been said and done for road safety. But someone literally should brainwash these kids in their teens. Over-speeding, rash driving and adrenaline pumped fools who think the roads are meant for playing Road Rash.

I don’t understand why every destination must be reached in record time. Kiska record? I don’t see any world record authorities taking notes here. This one is a small town and everything is in walking distance. Most of all, over-speeding can take you someplace in one minute instead of two. Still not worth risking your life, guys.  

The inherent desire to win the rat race in life is to be blamed for this. We never teach our children that being slow is ok. All we want is for them to come first and accept nothing less. So they just adapt this same ideology when they drive. Everything is a race and they have to win. Stop it, guys. Neither life now commute is a race. It is ok to savor the moments and let people get ahead of you. Take your own time with everything. Life is precious and so are the moments you have. Nothing is going to come back. So stay back, relax and enjoy the view too.

Been there, done that

Dear God

What do I want from a relationship? One word answer would be commitment. I wish for someone who would love me the way I am. Trust me and plan a future that includes me. Rest all I can take care of. It is hard though. I am a strong woman. No one believes me when I say I would love for someone to take care of me.  

He said you are to blame for that. Who would believe a self-made, self driven, ambitious person like you would have needs like this? That is the beauty of life guys. No matter how strong the person is, people always secretly love it when doors are opened for them and chairs pulled up. But when people see strong people, they get confused.

I am someone who has arranged her whole life in neat little piles. People expect me to be a little self sacrificing. Come on now, you have a career, money and now you want love too! Too much to ask.. Reading ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne, I tried my hand at positive thinking. At times, it seems far-fetched wearing the rose tinted glasses to see the world. But it does work guys and it is worth a try.

I mean if we can dwell on endless negativity for hours on end maybe we can spend a few minutes being positive and upbeat. It is a much better way to deal with things if you ask me.

So come what may, I am sticking to this premise from now on. Let the world call me a fool; at least I am happier than all the wise of the world. I am sure I will soon be rewarded infinitely for my tenacity. Love You God. Make it happen and dazzle the world.